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November 12, 2013 / compassioninpolitics

The Value of Truth in Journalism and Live–the Pancho Denews Transcripts

Here’s the build up:

STEPHEN COLBERT: Now, Poncho, you were interning the night all hell broke loose at 60 Minutes.

PONCHO DENEWS: Yes, Stephen, I was definitely there that night because I’m an actual human witness.

STEPHEN COLBERT: Tell us what happened, Poncho.

PONCHO DENEWS: Well, I was coming back from getting chewing tobacco for Leslie Stahl, when I heard explosions of shouting.

STEPHEN COLBERT: And what did you do next?

PONCHO DENEWS: I ran towards it. I scaled the 30-foot wall surrounding the newsroom. Once I landed, a shadowy figure ran towards me, so I knocked him out with the butt of my harpoon gun.

STEPHEN COLBERT: And who was that?

PONCHO DENEWS: Turns out it was Morley Safer. But, then I turned around, and I saw… I saw….

STEPHEN COLBERT: Who did you see?

PONCHO DENEWS: It was Hillary Clinton and her band of thugs! She was swinging a bike chain and yelling, “We’re here to kill the story! Who wants to eat some chain?” (audience laughter and applause) Then she pistol-whipped Morley Safer. Which was cruel, since he was already unconscious.

STEPHEN COLBERT: So it was Hillary Clinton who made CBS apologize.


STEPHEN COLBERT: I knew it! Anything else?

PONCHO DENEWS: Yes, Stephen, I have one more exclusive. I’m not really 60 Minutes intern Poncho Denews. I’m… (takes off facial hair) Charlie Skinner!

Heres the real important part:

STEPHEN COLBERT: What?! Where’d that college intern go??

CHARLIE SKINNER: There never was any intern, Stephen! I did it to prove a point! That as journalists, we are the gatekeepers of truth! We separate right from wrong, fact from fiction, delicates from permanent press! I recall a man who said, “With great power comes great responsibility.” That man was Spider-Man’s uncle. And now… he’s dead! The public needs us to be the watchdogs of democracy. We have a responsibility to criticize our leaders without reproach, report national secrets without fear of imprisonment. If we violate this contract, this public trust….

STEPHEN COLBERT: How much longer does this go?

CHARLIE SKINNER: Almost done. Then we will have a puppet press of hearsay and innuendo and speculation, hyperbole, and nonsense! Ding dong! Who is it? It’s Domino’s. But more importantly, it’s the truth!! (wild audience laughter and applause) Delivered hot and crusty! Or your money back! That’s a guarantee we make America every night, otherwise the world is just crazy bread.

STEPHEN COLBERT: Technically, crazy bread is Little Caesar’s.

CHARLIE SKINNER: It’s called poetic license, goddamnit!

STEPHEN COLBERT: You’re right, The Newsroom’s Charlie Skinner. Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s something I have to do.

Link to the Full Transcript here

Link to the video at Colbert Nation here

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